October 19, 2010

Beyond the Big Picture

My head is so full right now.
So many blog posts to write,
so many lessons to plan for my kiddos,
intentions to pray for,
a lot to process.
Being an adult is just plain hard work sometimes!

If I look at the big picture, I want to cry. But, if I look past that big picture- to the plan that I know my God has for me, I rejoice. I don't know what that plan is in its entirety, but I do know He has given me snapshots-
and it's beyond what I would ever dream of.

I take comfort in knowing
that He has it all figured out,
and that I can relax,
hold on to Him,
and trust.

Things are rough right now, especially financially.
There's a voice that's yelling at me for all the things I *should* have done by now. There's a lot of spiritual warfare to fight.
Maybe I'm being attacked because I'm on the path towards Him.
Satan really hates women.
Especially women who have given themselves to the King.

My Abba Father isn't making it all clear right now-
But He's using this opportunity to teach me,
about perseverance,

Again, the big picture is kinda scaring me right now.
But one step at a time, it's ok.
I know that my God will carry me- leading the way
Then he will hold my hand- walking alongside
And then follow right behind- supporting my steps
Until He's ready to stand at a distance-
And let me fly-
Through this time of trial, and into His arms once again.
Just like a loving parent (who supports and guides their children through life)
Because that is exactly who He is.
He is the perfect parent.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.

October 9, 2010


Thankful. Remembering. Excited.
3 of the many emotions running through my head right now.

3 years ago today I prayed a prayer that I had no idea would change my life- Oct 8, 2007 I wrote in my journal "Lord, if you need to break me, in order to build me up in you, go ahead. I want more of you and less of me in my life." Well, that night I fell, injuring my knee and beginning my journey with RSD. Had I known that morning what was to come, I would have run. Had I known when I had the knee reconstruction surgery that I would have 10 more in an 18 month span- I would have run. Had I known when I went into remission that we hadn't fixed the problem- I would have run.

So glad that I didn't - literally and figuratively- that instead of running from Him, I was able to run toward Him. I would do this all over again for what it has and continues! to teach me. For the gift of new perspective, for shifting my focus on learning and education, for the best best friend anyone could ask for, for learning to fight the system for what is right, for being thankful for the little things- like the ability to walk, for healing in many areas, for the opportunity for my family, friends, and I to be stretched and grow to be better people, for all who I've met along this way, for having a small taste in my hands, feet, side of what He did for us- and a whole lot more.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't always have such a thankful or positive attitude- I still struggle with that at times. I fall every day but I know now what it really means to pick yourself back up. Not easy, but oh so worth it! It's only been 6 months since I was implanted with a Spinal Cord Stimulator and my health made a 180. The progress astounds me and yet it continues- I can't wait.

This week was a big week. Not because of what I did, but what it allowed me to see. Today my dance department colleagues performed with the Paul Taylor Dance Company (one of the main/first modern companies). My Elementary Ed Masters program ushered it since it was a program for kids K-12. I was given the opportunity to lecture-demo for my program and professors in the School of Ed in order to prepare them and future students to watch dance, and also broach the topic of arts integration. 60 people (90% of whom were older than me), 2 cameras, and the goal that I was going to physically show them- as in dance. Being told by more than one doctor that I would never walk again, and being able to prove that they were oh so wrong...I am excited to say that I "performed" 2 small phrases (to illustrate modern dance breaking rules if you'd like to know.) And while it wasn't perfect, and my body didn't totally like it later, it was...right. The response, both in support (from many who don't know the meaning of this) and in excitement/curiosity for the arts was incredible. The conversations we had both before and after the performance today were inspired. And I sat through my first dance performance in 3 years without crying- instead, I danced in my heart.

Promised. Blessed. Loved.

God never takes us where God's Will will not support us. So while a lot is going through my head, and the remembrance wasn't all cake and ice cream, I am blessed! Today, this week, was just a taste of integrating my "old world" as a Dancer who danced and then taught into my "new world" as a Dancer who teaches others to dance in all different ways. Attempting to educate the whole child- no matter what their ability or experience in life. The cusp of my new normal- the top of the roller coaster- I'm ready for this ride.